My 14 year old daughter, Delacia Candelaria passed away Dec. 21, 2009. She was vomiting and went to the ER. Her blood pressure dropped and 9 hours later she went into septic shock and passed away. I did not know she was going to die until the doctor told me to come now if I wanted to see her before she was gone. It all happened so fast. I still don't know what caused the illness. Kaiser said it was not the flu or H1N1. The coroner should be calling this week with the report. I can't believe that I am logged on to this FB group (Loss of a child). Thank you for this group. Thank you for sharing. This is a pain that has no end. Grief is a constant weight that is trying to drown me. Being good to others, accepting other's goodness and speaking of God's grace is how I survive.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My heart weeps.
My heart weeps. Mostly I don't cry on the outside. I can cry inside and still slightly smile or laugh on the surface. I have two selves now, one that mourns never endlessly and another self that is surviving one day at a time. I am o.k. I breathe and I live and I exist. My understanding that my daughter is dead is still all a shock. My mind is not like it once was. My laps in memory are a blessing. If I were to truly comprehend all that has happened I could probably will myself to stop breathing. My mind protects me from the real truth. I feel pain in waves, but I am o.k. and I am still surviving. I do understand that David loves me, that my family and friends love me. I can grasp that meaning and it keeps me alive. One second at a time. I love Delacia and I also understand that many morn her loss and share in my pain.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Communication
Communication is essential during a stressful time.
It turns out that I was in the dark and no one communicated with me that I was not alone in providing financially for my daughter’s funeral arrangements. I must retract that her father was not in a financial position to contribute. This confusion was due to the fact that I was never notified on behalf of him. Additionally, the mortuary made the error of not logging the payment in their database properly. My sister had to do some questioning and it was later discovered, over two weeks later, that the paper file did not match the computer file. A small error caused a mountain of frustration for both parties. During the grieving process the last thing anyone wants to dispute over is money. This could have been avoided if I was contacted by some party of the payment. Written communication is best and probing mortuaries to do more research to help solve the inconsistency is necessary.
It turns out that I was in the dark and no one communicated with me that I was not alone in providing financially for my daughter’s funeral arrangements. I must retract that her father was not in a financial position to contribute. This confusion was due to the fact that I was never notified on behalf of him. Additionally, the mortuary made the error of not logging the payment in their database properly. My sister had to do some questioning and it was later discovered, over two weeks later, that the paper file did not match the computer file. A small error caused a mountain of frustration for both parties. During the grieving process the last thing anyone wants to dispute over is money. This could have been avoided if I was contacted by some party of the payment. Written communication is best and probing mortuaries to do more research to help solve the inconsistency is necessary.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Support System
I am very grateful for the support system that surrounds me. They call frequently, come to my door and don’t take no for an answer. If I was given the choice I would have crawled up into a ball and let time pass my by. I am tired and there are times when breathing, as subconscious and natural as it once was is now a chore and takes focus and attention.
Many have offered to help me and have offered their phone number and have asked, “What do you need?” I am grateful and the truth is that I don’t always know what I need until the last moment or someone informs me in a kind manner of what is best for me.
There is certainly a business side to the grief process and an emotional/physical side. For example, today involved calls to my work, confirming time off, understanding forms needed to be completed, calling the coroner, making a doctor’s appointment, calling my student loan company and asking for a deferment, managing some of the home bills, and … We started at 10 am and worked until 2pm. It was four hours with my friend and cousin. They brainstormed with me, convinced me to do things that were best for me, made phone calls with me, and later each took on an errand that needed to be completed. Delacia had an English reader that needed to be returned to her school and I had some work that needed to be sent over to my school. Additionally, my friend took home another hour worth of tasks to be completed tonight before our 7:45 am meeting tomorrow. We are now 21 days since Delacia’s passing and there is sooo much work to be done.
The emotional side of the grieving process takes up the remainder of the day. Tomorrow, we have the grief group for parent’s that have suffered the loss of a child, we will soon set up counseling as a couple with our church and I will have individual counseling to also attend. I am no longer the same person I was only a month ago. I am slower to process information and I am taking this situation one day at a time.
The most helpful assistance that we have received since this tragedy has been food. It is extremely helpful when family and friends bring dinner or come and cook for us. We have also received meals from our church. It motivates me to eat and take care of myself when I see others going out of their way to come over to our home and provide company and a meal for us. The best way for me to show my gratitude is to simply eat the food prepared for me and as an end result I find myself feeling less weak. If meal preparation was left up to me, it just would not happen. I honestly don’t care if I eat; I am still at a stage when others are checking on me to see if I have eaten.
Thank you.
Love,
Kristen
Many have offered to help me and have offered their phone number and have asked, “What do you need?” I am grateful and the truth is that I don’t always know what I need until the last moment or someone informs me in a kind manner of what is best for me.
There is certainly a business side to the grief process and an emotional/physical side. For example, today involved calls to my work, confirming time off, understanding forms needed to be completed, calling the coroner, making a doctor’s appointment, calling my student loan company and asking for a deferment, managing some of the home bills, and … We started at 10 am and worked until 2pm. It was four hours with my friend and cousin. They brainstormed with me, convinced me to do things that were best for me, made phone calls with me, and later each took on an errand that needed to be completed. Delacia had an English reader that needed to be returned to her school and I had some work that needed to be sent over to my school. Additionally, my friend took home another hour worth of tasks to be completed tonight before our 7:45 am meeting tomorrow. We are now 21 days since Delacia’s passing and there is sooo much work to be done.
The emotional side of the grieving process takes up the remainder of the day. Tomorrow, we have the grief group for parent’s that have suffered the loss of a child, we will soon set up counseling as a couple with our church and I will have individual counseling to also attend. I am no longer the same person I was only a month ago. I am slower to process information and I am taking this situation one day at a time.
The most helpful assistance that we have received since this tragedy has been food. It is extremely helpful when family and friends bring dinner or come and cook for us. We have also received meals from our church. It motivates me to eat and take care of myself when I see others going out of their way to come over to our home and provide company and a meal for us. The best way for me to show my gratitude is to simply eat the food prepared for me and as an end result I find myself feeling less weak. If meal preparation was left up to me, it just would not happen. I honestly don’t care if I eat; I am still at a stage when others are checking on me to see if I have eaten.
Thank you.
Love,
Kristen
Friday, January 8, 2010
Please add yourself as a follower
I invite you to add yourself as a follower of my blog. If I can generate enough followers, google may add links to my blog and pay me for the number of hits to my site. This money would be most useful.
As you know I had a small life insurance to supplement the costs of her burial, but it was certainly was not enough. I still have a $12,000 balance on a credit card that needs to be paid and it is in my mother’s name. I couldn’t cover all the costs and Delacia’s father was not financially available to assist with expenses. Thank goodness for my parents, but they have worked hard and shouldn’t have to offer their near retirement income to me.
Why are my daughter’s services on a credit card and how am I going to pay it off with such a high interest rate? This is an additional stress on top of losing my true love. I lost my daughter; I lost my future as I knew it. I was working hard and we were making strides towards a great life. We were going to make it. And now my reality involves death, grief, debt, an unknown future and additional costs such as a headstone.
This is not how I planned it. Although our household had only one full-time income we were doing well to keep up with bills and pay off small amounts of my student loan debt and credit cards from my years in college. We try to manage are modest incomes. David, my loving partner, has been layed-off for most of 2009.
I remember telling my cousin on the day before my daughter passed away and I did not know that my daughter was going to fall ill that night that 2009 was the hardest year of my life. I had no idea that my daughter was going to mysteriously pass the following morning due to septic shock. I had no idea that life could and would get worse for me.
Now I am faced with additional credit card debt. I am faced with costs for things that I never imagined to save for such as a headstone or the cost of the memorial items that I desperately want in place to keep her memory alive. I know there is no replacing her.
I want the tree, plaque, school scholarship in her name and cemetery bench in place regardless of the fact that I know that she is truly gone and I will never get her back and life as I know it will never be the same. Now I am franticly wondering how I will pay for all of this, keep up with the rent, other household bills and have time to mourn. I want time to grieve, but I have so much work to do. I don’t want anyone to forget that she has passed and life is no longer normal. I miss her.
As you know I had a small life insurance to supplement the costs of her burial, but it was certainly was not enough. I still have a $12,000 balance on a credit card that needs to be paid and it is in my mother’s name. I couldn’t cover all the costs and Delacia’s father was not financially available to assist with expenses. Thank goodness for my parents, but they have worked hard and shouldn’t have to offer their near retirement income to me.
Why are my daughter’s services on a credit card and how am I going to pay it off with such a high interest rate? This is an additional stress on top of losing my true love. I lost my daughter; I lost my future as I knew it. I was working hard and we were making strides towards a great life. We were going to make it. And now my reality involves death, grief, debt, an unknown future and additional costs such as a headstone.
This is not how I planned it. Although our household had only one full-time income we were doing well to keep up with bills and pay off small amounts of my student loan debt and credit cards from my years in college. We try to manage are modest incomes. David, my loving partner, has been layed-off for most of 2009.
I remember telling my cousin on the day before my daughter passed away and I did not know that my daughter was going to fall ill that night that 2009 was the hardest year of my life. I had no idea that my daughter was going to mysteriously pass the following morning due to septic shock. I had no idea that life could and would get worse for me.
Now I am faced with additional credit card debt. I am faced with costs for things that I never imagined to save for such as a headstone or the cost of the memorial items that I desperately want in place to keep her memory alive. I know there is no replacing her.
I want the tree, plaque, school scholarship in her name and cemetery bench in place regardless of the fact that I know that she is truly gone and I will never get her back and life as I know it will never be the same. Now I am franticly wondering how I will pay for all of this, keep up with the rent, other household bills and have time to mourn. I want time to grieve, but I have so much work to do. I don’t want anyone to forget that she has passed and life is no longer normal. I miss her.
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