Thursday, February 4, 2010
My cousin Melissa transcribed most of our conversation earlier that evening so that I could later add my thoughts to my blog. I included some additional details for clarity. Thanks, Missy. Love you lots.
1. There has to be a soul. Inside me there is a battle and it must be between my body and my soul. My body panics, twitches, walks weakly, cries, chokes up, is filled with sadness/grief/despair. Yet there is a part of me that does not want to go down this path, instead make things better. The path that I could follow is alcoholism, drug addiction, destructiveness to my partner, family, and friends, and isolation. Yet, there is something inside of me that does not want to go that path. That something inside me wants to live, to be present, to be fully aware, and to make things better. That is the battle inside of me between my soul and my body. So there has to be a soul.
2. There is a part of me that is trying to protect myself from all of this anxiety. Last night I had the strangest dream. In my dream, I finished my shower and dried up. I opened the shower door and walked through the bathroom door into my bedroom. Then I nearly proceeded out of my bedroom into the hallway where people would be and would see me naked. This is not to be interpreted as some sort of perversion. My daughter’s loss had affected me in a way that I had no concern or ability to protect my physical and mental self. I was raw to the world. Nothing…clothing, education, loved ones, any sense of security could not protect me from the trauma of witnessing Delacia’s death.
I stopped myself just short of walking out of the door. In my dream I was watching myself observe my nakedness in the mirror. I was outside of myself, looking down at myself. I was ready to show the world that I didn’t care about anything anymore. I heard a sweet distant voice say something to me like nooooooooooo or dooooooooon't. The sweet voice sounded like Delacia’s.
I think what is happening inside of me is that a part of me is trying to save the me that just wants to drown in all of this misery and sadness. I want to give up, not care about myself anymore, or protect myself. There is something inside me that is fighting to save me.
