Hugging Delacia in my dream

4.13.10

I just had a dream. 5:15 am.

We were driving.

Then David and I were outside looking at a pile of stuff. Stuff that was his that was packed away like storage. He also showing me things and talking to me about something he needed for a t.v. I told him that we needed to go to the other side. It was around a hill. We were at the bottom of the hill.

We were back in the car driving. We needed to go a different way to drop something off and I told him that was the way we needed to go for Delacia. In my dream I was thinking of you, but you were not visible in that scene. I was also not thinking that you are gone. I was talking as if you were in the backseat with us.

I was walking around the outside of a building to the backside of it. There were a lot of people milling around and I was looking for you. You were talking to a man and a girl. Your hair was tied back and you were wearing a white top, you looked 14. He was one of your teachers. I said your name when I walked over to you. I was carrying a coffee? The man commented on hard it was to learn your name, but that it became an achievement that everyone wanted to be able to make.

I asked you, “What are they asking you? Are they asking you what Heaven is like?” You nodded yes. He asked you if you really get to walk along the King and you smiled and nodded yes. Then you were laying on your back on something and I could see your stomach and belly button. You used to fall over backwards when you were frustrated and tired of something when you were a little girl. It almost seemed as if you were tired of this question and that you were over being asked it all the time.

Next: I had my arms wrapped around your waist with my hands clasped together. I was hugging you back and forth. I told you, “Just hug back.” You wrapped your arms around my shoulders and you gave my big hugs.

Then your dad was in the scene. He was at a tea vending machine, a machine style that does not exist, and his tea bag was stuck. I told you to help your father and you ran over to help him. You were trying to get the teabag unstuck and I was trying to help by grabbing the cup and then the water began to spill. I returned the cup to its original position on a little shelf.

When I woke up I could hear the song in my head: How far is Heaven? Lord can you help me. by the Los Lonely Boys. I love you Delacia. Thank you for my dream. The best part was hearing about heaven and hugging you tight.

Powerful Thought from February 4, 2010

Thursday, February 4, 2010

My cousin Melissa transcribed most of our conversation earlier that evening so that I could later add my thoughts to my blog. I included some additional details for clarity. Thanks, Missy. Love you lots.

1. There has to be a soul. Inside me there is a battle and it must be between my body and my soul. My body panics, twitches, walks weakly, cries, chokes up, is filled with sadness/grief/despair. Yet there is a part of me that does not want to go down this path, instead make things better. The path that I could follow is alcoholism, drug addiction, destructiveness to my partner, family, and friends, and isolation. Yet, there is something inside of me that does not want to go that path. That something inside me wants to live, to be present, to be fully aware, and to make things better. That is the battle inside of me between my soul and my body. So there has to be a soul.

2. There is a part of me that is trying to protect myself from all of this anxiety. Last night I had the strangest dream. In my dream, I finished my shower and dried up. I opened the shower door and walked through the bathroom door into my bedroom. Then I nearly proceeded out of my bedroom into the hallway where people would be and would see me naked. This is not to be interpreted as some sort of perversion. My daughter’s loss had affected me in a way that I had no concern or ability to protect my physical and mental self. I was raw to the world. Nothing…clothing, education, loved ones, any sense of security could not protect me from the trauma of witnessing Delacia’s death.

I stopped myself just short of walking out of the door. In my dream I was watching myself observe my nakedness in the mirror. I was outside of myself, looking down at myself. I was ready to show the world that I didn’t care about anything anymore. I heard a sweet distant voice say something to me like nooooooooooo or dooooooooon't. The sweet voice sounded like Delacia’s.

I think what is happening inside of me is that a part of me is trying to save the me that just wants to drown in all of this misery and sadness. I want to give up, not care about myself anymore, or protect myself. There is something inside me that is fighting to save me.

Can you meet me halfway?

Black Eyed Peas
Meet Me Halfway lyrics

My daughter passed on Dec. 21, 2009. She was only 14 years old. This is my song to her. She is my only wish.

I can't go any further than this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

Cool,
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you
Every single day, ´cause I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to, use to, use to, use to do
Hey girl, what's up, we used to used to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin' thinkin' thinkin' bout you
Every single day, ´cause I'm really missin' missin' you
And all those things we use to, use to, use to, use to do
Hey girl what's up yo... what's up, what's up, what's up

Can you meet me halfway, right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Girl, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you wanna meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause girl I want I, I... I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
Wanna have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway, way
(I'll meet you halfway

Can you meet me half way)
Right at the borderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

Let's walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and I, for you and I, for for for you and I,
For for for you and I, for for you and I, for you and I

Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half way
Can you meet me half waaaay!

Meet me half way, right at the borderline
There's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin' out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
I can't go any further than this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

(Instrumental)...

FB Loss of a Child group

My 14 year old daughter, Delacia Candelaria passed away Dec. 21, 2009. She was vomiting and went to the ER. Her blood pressure dropped and 9 hours later she went into septic shock and passed away. I did not know she was going to die until the doctor told me to come now if I wanted to see her before she was gone. It all happened so fast. I still don't know what caused the illness. Kaiser said it was not the flu or H1N1. The coroner should be calling this week with the report. I can't believe that I am logged on to this FB group (Loss of a child). Thank you for this group. Thank you for sharing. This is a pain that has no end. Grief is a constant weight that is trying to drown me. Being good to others, accepting other's goodness and speaking of God's grace is how I survive.

My heart weeps.

My heart weeps. Mostly I don't cry on the outside. I can cry inside and still slightly smile or laugh on the surface. I have two selves now, one that mourns never endlessly and another self that is surviving one day at a time. I am o.k. I breathe and I live and I exist. My understanding that my daughter is dead is still all a shock. My mind is not like it once was. My laps in memory are a blessing. If I were to truly comprehend all that has happened I could probably will myself to stop breathing. My mind protects me from the real truth. I feel pain in waves, but I am o.k. and I am still surviving. I do understand that David loves me, that my family and friends love me. I can grasp that meaning and it keeps me alive. One second at a time. I love Delacia and I also understand that many morn her loss and share in my pain.

Communication

Communication is essential during a stressful time.

It turns out that I was in the dark and no one communicated with me that I was not alone in providing financially for my daughter’s funeral arrangements. I must retract that her father was not in a financial position to contribute. This confusion was due to the fact that I was never notified on behalf of him. Additionally, the mortuary made the error of not logging the payment in their database properly. My sister had to do some questioning and it was later discovered, over two weeks later, that the paper file did not match the computer file. A small error caused a mountain of frustration for both parties. During the grieving process the last thing anyone wants to dispute over is money. This could have been avoided if I was contacted by some party of the payment. Written communication is best and probing mortuaries to do more research to help solve the inconsistency is necessary.

Support System

I am very grateful for the support system that surrounds me. They call frequently, come to my door and don’t take no for an answer. If I was given the choice I would have crawled up into a ball and let time pass my by. I am tired and there are times when breathing, as subconscious and natural as it once was is now a chore and takes focus and attention.
Many have offered to help me and have offered their phone number and have asked, “What do you need?” I am grateful and the truth is that I don’t always know what I need until the last moment or someone informs me in a kind manner of what is best for me.
There is certainly a business side to the grief process and an emotional/physical side. For example, today involved calls to my work, confirming time off, understanding forms needed to be completed, calling the coroner, making a doctor’s appointment, calling my student loan company and asking for a deferment, managing some of the home bills, and … We started at 10 am and worked until 2pm. It was four hours with my friend and cousin. They brainstormed with me, convinced me to do things that were best for me, made phone calls with me, and later each took on an errand that needed to be completed. Delacia had an English reader that needed to be returned to her school and I had some work that needed to be sent over to my school. Additionally, my friend took home another hour worth of tasks to be completed tonight before our 7:45 am meeting tomorrow. We are now 21 days since Delacia’s passing and there is sooo much work to be done.
The emotional side of the grieving process takes up the remainder of the day. Tomorrow, we have the grief group for parent’s that have suffered the loss of a child, we will soon set up counseling as a couple with our church and I will have individual counseling to also attend. I am no longer the same person I was only a month ago. I am slower to process information and I am taking this situation one day at a time.
The most helpful assistance that we have received since this tragedy has been food. It is extremely helpful when family and friends bring dinner or come and cook for us. We have also received meals from our church. It motivates me to eat and take care of myself when I see others going out of their way to come over to our home and provide company and a meal for us. The best way for me to show my gratitude is to simply eat the food prepared for me and as an end result I find myself feeling less weak. If meal preparation was left up to me, it just would not happen. I honestly don’t care if I eat; I am still at a stage when others are checking on me to see if I have eaten.

Thank you.

Love,
Kristen

Please add yourself as a follower

I invite you to add yourself as a follower of my blog. If I can generate enough followers, google may add links to my blog and pay me for the number of hits to my site. This money would be most useful.

As you know I had a small life insurance to supplement the costs of her burial, but it was certainly was not enough. I still have a $12,000 balance on a credit card that needs to be paid and it is in my mother’s name. I couldn’t cover all the costs and Delacia’s father was not financially available to assist with expenses. Thank goodness for my parents, but they have worked hard and shouldn’t have to offer their near retirement income to me.

Why are my daughter’s services on a credit card and how am I going to pay it off with such a high interest rate? This is an additional stress on top of losing my true love. I lost my daughter; I lost my future as I knew it. I was working hard and we were making strides towards a great life. We were going to make it. And now my reality involves death, grief, debt, an unknown future and additional costs such as a headstone.

This is not how I planned it. Although our household had only one full-time income we were doing well to keep up with bills and pay off small amounts of my student loan debt and credit cards from my years in college. We try to manage are modest incomes. David, my loving partner, has been layed-off for most of 2009.

I remember telling my cousin on the day before my daughter passed away and I did not know that my daughter was going to fall ill that night that 2009 was the hardest year of my life. I had no idea that my daughter was going to mysteriously pass the following morning due to septic shock. I had no idea that life could and would get worse for me.

Now I am faced with additional credit card debt. I am faced with costs for things that I never imagined to save for such as a headstone or the cost of the memorial items that I desperately want in place to keep her memory alive. I know there is no replacing her.

I want the tree, plaque, school scholarship in her name and cemetery bench in place regardless of the fact that I know that she is truly gone and I will never get her back and life as I know it will never be the same. Now I am franticly wondering how I will pay for all of this, keep up with the rent, other household bills and have time to mourn. I want time to grieve, but I have so much work to do. I don’t want anyone to forget that she has passed and life is no longer normal. I miss her.